i still feel like a newborn


Soft, sticky, warm, calm. Alone but loneliness unknown. Active yet unseen. An identity descended as relationships started brewing.

A first pang of pain, wet with what I would later learn as a tear, a blinding brightness, a shaken repose as I dragged out of my perpetual comfort into an expanse hitherto unimagined – my first ever transition from a comfort to distress. A bout of tears and soon they had ceased, and with eyes closed to the newfound brightness, I was encased into a safe cuddle with a coo and a smile – from distress back to comfort. Life had announced its presence.

And time moved relentlessly like only she could, unfazed to any joy, unsympathetic to any sorrow, never slowing nor speeding.

From the days everyone called me cute, to first kisses to my cheeks, first spank for spilling my milk, admirations to the first word uttered, the first step on foot, first shift from nappies to shorts, first bout of fever, first visit to the doctor, first tear for wanting something, first tear for losing something, first tears on my first day at school…

The unnoticed joys of the first word I wrote, first page I turned, first lesson I learnt, first exam I wrote, first anxious wait for result, first hit on my knuckles, first promotion to the next class, first shift to a different city, first emotion of having a friend, first emotion of being a friend, first injury, first sight of a birth and death, first signs of growing up, first shopping for razor blades, first loss of my loved one, first feel of being lost, first feel of loneliness, first sleepless night, first promises of future, first travel alone, first possession of a gadget, first day into a college, first degree next to my name, first interview for work, first day at work, first earning, first trip abroad…

Some firsts never got off, others became weary, but none would stop newer ones from coming. With every fading first entered a new one. And every first brought with it an air of new freshness – the extraordinary feel of another ‘first-time ever’. A new learning. An entry into a new unknown. A new passage to explore the mysterious. New joys. New sorrows. New fears. New outlooks. New beliefs.

At times, it tends to feel I’ve seen it all. But I laugh at my ignorance as fast as I felt that. It’s the same life that started at birth. But seems a new one with every passing year. The more I expect the newness to diminish, the faster I confront more of them, and perhaps that’s how fast I grow.

Life is still new. Still a new born. Waiting for new firsts to happen. Waiting to see the unseen. to seek the sought after, to hope the unhoped, to search the newness of new joys, and new sorrows.

Life is still new. And it would probably always be.


One Response to “i still feel like a newborn”

  1. 1 Still a newborn, I guess… « All in a day’s work!

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